So I have been MIA. I started back to work full time in the office at the beginning of the month (or I think it was the beginning of the month I really am losing track of time) and ya it is kicking my butt.
I missed my planned post at the beginning of this month, because well it came quicker than I thought and I just didn't have the time to do it. And my plan was to just make up for it the following week, last week, and well that came and flew by too. And now I am looking at my calendar like what the heck, it's already the end of March!? I had a completely different post planned, an Easter DIY actually, but I haven't even taken down my Valentine's Day decorations. So yep that is a flop.
So why post at all? Well idk... I guess I feel like I can just get it out here. I am not a big talker in real life, but here I guess I have no idea who is even reading my stuff (no one so far lol) so let's just get it out. Also, maybe it will help in some weird way? And idk maybe it will help someone going through kinda the same journey as me. I want to be real and raw on this blog, so I guess here it is...
I feel like I am failing at everything. I cant keep up. I dont know how to balance everything.
I really REALLY, with everything that I have, want to be a full time creator. I want to just create everyday. Whether that is a DIY, or project, or just actually being able to sit down and make art. But I just don't have the time right now. And then I am looking at Instagram and all of these amazing artists just doing it. Just creating these amazing things. And I am getting jealous. I want to be able to do that... but ya just time is getting away from me.
And going back to work I actually thought that I would have those periods of time to make stuff. Even just have a break to work on something. But I just get so drained that I don't have the inspiration too. I mentioned before in a previous post that I am an Office Manager. So I take care of a lot of things at work. My days are never the same, so I really can't block out and make a schedule. Like right now on my calendar for work, I have tried to block out an hour a day for personal development. I had a class on time management that mentioned that it was important to always improve yourself and that in return you also improve yourself professionally. So that is what I have tried to do in that hour. I have maybe done it once. And then this week I signed up for another time management course that was via Facebook Live so I was trying to balance that and still working, but ya I got through two days and now I need to go back and rewatch. And I really wanted to do it!! Like it was so interesting, but work comes first and I can't just put a sign on my door to not disturb, because really part of my job is to be available for anything needed in the office. So ya...
And I have tried to make an effort to go out for lunch and just leave the office for a bit. But sometimes you just don't feel like leaving. Like I don't want to waste time driving somewhere and wasting my lunch. But if I stay in the office, my lunch always gets interrupted with something. So I just need to leave really... if I have the chance.
And then let's just talk about time in general. Like why is it mandatory for us to work for 8 hours a day. For me it is 9 hours a day, not including drive time and hello taking care of my family. Like I will give you my day:
5:30am: wake up, feed the dogs, and get ready
6-6:30am: Get my stuff ready for the day, feed Parker, get the girls stuff packed up for the day and head out the door
7am: Latest time to leave! (Really I need to be to work at this time since the office opens up at 7, but man I just can't keep up with that)
7:15-7:30am: arrive at my mom's to drop the girls off, some days this takes longer than others
7:30-7:45am: leave to head to work, which is another 15 minute drive
8am: latest time I need to arrive at work, lately I have been arriving at 7:45, but that isn't every day
8am-12pm(sometimes): check email and just work. Honestly I feel like my job is just answering emails sometimes
12pm: latest I need to take lunch. Sometimes its an hour, sometimes it is shorter depending on whats going on in the day. Sometimes I don't have one at all.
1-5pm: finish out the day answering more emails and working on things. I always feel like I am behind and there is always something being dropped on my plate that needs to get handled immediately so I always have this back list of items to do.
5pm: leave work. My parents have been dropping the girls off to me at work so that does help save some drive time. If they are unable to, thats another 15-30mins of drive time (depending on traffic).
6pm: finally arrive back home. Don't have enough time to cook anything without it being too late, so have been picking food up on the way home which is expensive and unhealthy and honestly old at this point
7-7:30pm: get Parker fed and ready for bed
8:00pm: get Carter ready for bed
8:30pm: at this time I really should be cleaning something, but I honestly just haven't had the energy to do so. So right now at this time, I am just sitting trying to catch my breath.
9pm: get myself ready for bed and just try to relax
10:30pm: latest I need to get it bed
And it starts all over again...
And ya I probably have some time there at night to create, but man my mind is just wrecked after a day of work and just taking care of everything. And just when I am like that, I don't feel creative at all...
Like my last couple of blog posts I actually have written on Thursday nights and most of the time stay up until midnight doing so. Tonight though I am writing this on a Friday night, because again time go away from me. But I feel so unmotivated that I guess that is why I am just venting here.
Oh and then the weekend comes. And ya I don't have to work, but weekends are the time to get ready for the week. And like I just want to relax, so I have been just picking up the house and not really cleaning. And it is catching up with me. My house is a mess so it just makes everything worse.
And don't read this (if anyone does) and go "Why doesn't your husband help?" Like come on do you not think he doesn't work too? And he works out in the oil fields so he is actually doing like physical labor in the elements. So when he gets home he is just wore out. And I mean he can't really help me with my business because it is my thing. And crap I need to actually create something for him to actually help me with it.
Like why is this so hard? Why is being a good mom and wife hard? Why is having a day job and trying to be creative so hard? Why is just taking care of yourself so hard!?
And I feel so freaking guilty saying that!! Like suck it up Breanna, people have it a lot freaking harder than you. I have a good job, an amazing husband, amazing girls, dogs that I love, a roof over our head (a small rented house, but still like a good house), and a supportive family...
But I am just so wore out...
I need a break, I have time off to take, but I feel so guilty about taking a break that I don't do it...
And then I am trying to grow this blog and my business. But in order to do that you need to be engaged and actually putting things out there. But I feel like at night is too late of a time to post something that will even be seen so I don't and ya that doesn't help. And I really want to start a TikTok but then thats another thing that I have to add. And another thing to figure out. And I am stuck in this phase right now that I am just trying to learn and research to make sure I am doing everything right, that I don't have the time to do anything else.... And I know that I need to get out of this phase, but I am so worried about not doing things properly or legally that I am stuck. And I want to give my business the best chance it has so I research how to do things better, but in the process don't do anything at all because I am stuck...
So ya sorry thats my post. I don't want to just keep complaining and I don't have any solutions for myself. Sorry for the multiple "And"s, but that is how my mind is working right now and I don't have the energy to go back and change all of them. But to all the other moms out there, I hear ya and I am with ya. Stay Strong.